I was in a relationship with a chap in the military for 8 years. I never really said a word to anyone about his behaviour toward me and incidents that occurred during our relationship.
Back in 2018 coincidentally his first day in a new role after leaving the army and joining the TA, I discovered that he had once again been lying to me and was having another affair. I had had enough and used social media means to record and post a video which went viral. I was honest about what he had done and the choice I had made about my life going forward. Everyone was shocked and I even had a knock on the door from the Daily Express 2 days later as my post had gone viral and people connected with my emotion and words. They also approached me after he was injured in a parachuting accident. I chose not to go ahead with my story to protect my children, family and I was also worried about the impact on the reputation of a parachute team he had joined as I have friends on the team and they did not deserve this association with his misbehaviour. He lied, bullied and betrayed not just me but the children in the home to whom he was stepfather. One of my daughters had an eating disorder since this all started/ended, with the other going through her GCSE’s and the stress and upset was unbearable for her, my son was very supportive.
A leopard cannot change his spots. During the separation he told me that I would see his ‘nasty side’ and he was not happy for me to talk about our separation honestly and openly. Talking about it helped me to recover from the shock of this unwanted situation but he didn’t want anyone to know what he had done. He promised to pay my moving costs, deposit and the money for rent for the first month (funds I did not have readily available) if I kept quiet but he did not recognise my contribution to the house and home which was all in his name. He sold the house whilst I was still living in it and I tried looking for alternative housing. Finally I found a cottage to rent, not in the best location as the children couldn’t get home from school independently. But we moved out, I kept the car and contents of the house, most of which were mine. He gave me £3,000 for my silence.
I realised during this time that I had been living with a narcissist. He had been lying to friends, family, and anyone who will listen to him, about me. Even to his family he has told everyone how awful I am so that when (and if) he actually got found out for cheating or having carried out bad behaviour, he could turn it around on me to makes me seem like the bad person. Head games and psychological crazy stuff hey? I gradually realised things were not right over time.
There was gradually a decline in any of his shared social photos showing the two of us together. People found it hard to talk to me or look me in the eye. I had no idea what was wrong. I become paranoid. I discovered a net was been spread, a ‘lies’ safety net so that when I finally found him cheating, behaving badly or lying he reverted to his ‘lie believer’ network for sympathy. I know this because it has happened to me. No amount of explaining worked as he groomed his listeners to believe that’s typical of what I would say or how I would behave. He has acted like he is the victim. I know this because a very good friend told me what he had been saying, that HE was abused by me. And that I threw him out! He did not deserve my love nor my energy. He blamed other people for things that have gone wrong in his life or previous relationships. That’s how he first started his relationship with me. I felt sorry for him but I didn’t know the other side of the story. He will never realise it is him that is the cause. He believes there is something better for him, something more exciting. He damaged what we had and lied about it and moved on. The network of people who have been told the lies will likely never know the truth. That’s hard to come to terms with. But most importantly I know in my heart and that is what I find peace in . I know the truth. Shame on those who knew and would cover for him too.
I received such bad behaviour and had my soul broken when I discovered his betrayal/s and I never told a soul, thinking I could save what I had of the relationship. I made excuses for him and thought it would get better. I just became another part of his lie network.
There was normally always drink involved. Feb 2015 he assaulted me so badly I believed I would be his first murder. I ran in my underwear in the rain and the dark through a village to a payphone and called the police. He was arrested. I dropped the charges the next day. I begged the police not to go their own route of prosecution claiming that he may have had some PTSD issues from his army service. I was a fool. Apparently, it’s not uncommon for a woman to do this. It was the night of a wedding reception. He got drunk at the reception and tried to call his previous American girlfriend from the B&B, (the one I discovered he would stay with instead of living in a military camp when he trained in Arizona.) When I got upset and challenged him about yet another affair he kicked me, tried to push my eyes in, smother me with a pillow and luckily because he was so drunk I got away. I also have the police report from the police from the assault. I dropped the charges because I didn’t want to damage his career. I have photographs of the damage to my face, arms and legs. He injured his toe from kicking me.
He punched me in the side of the head in front of my daughters on a trip once to the Lake District. This was very upsetting. Another time, on a fun evening, at a pub near South Cerney whilst waiting for a taxi, I went to my car, that we had decided to leave in the car park as we had both had a drink. I wanted to get my bag out to take home. He ran up to me for no reason, flipped me in the air and stamped on my head. I had the most horrendous concussion and black eyes. He told me a woman had assaulted me. I went to the pub the next day to collect the car with very sore head and face and a witness told me HE had done this. I do not know why. I think he was cross about the taxi being late and that I had used the wrong taxi company. I forgave him once again. He has since told his family that the only reason I had black eyes is that he had tried to stop me driving! He also told everyone I threw him out of the house when his father died when in fact we went to the Peak District, hill walking and stayed in a Spa on a £400 birthday treat weekend (paid by me) for his birthday soon after the funeral. He then went to New York on his own for a week just before he started his new role, when I discovered his messenger messages to another 3 women, from our bed on his Kindle reader device. From that day when I kissed him goodbye for work then found out and called him to say I knew what he had been doing, he never came home and has never spoken to me, not once even to this day. He visited the house twice whilst I was out to collect belongings. Everything else was conducted via text. The woman he is with now is the woman he had been seeing for 6 or more months before we separated and with whom he left his father’s wake with for the evening returning later to lock me out of the hotel and then left me to sleep in the car , it was -5 degrees outside. I remember shaking her hand and thanking her for coming to the funeral earlier that day. They run an Adventure Activity Company now.
We have a large network of mutual friends. I was a skydiver before I met him and we hit it off instantly. We both enjoyed hill walking, skydiving and socialising. I supported all of his army activities, dutifully sewing badges onto uniforms and taking him to and from airports and a hell of a lot of waiting. One of his trips to Gibraltar saw him return with a tan line. I was surprised as the weather forecasts looked poor. He told me there were sunbeds in the camp. I discovered a few months later ( on his passport page that had been stamped) he had been to Bali on holiday with another woman. I saw an email where he had asked his sister not to mention the holiday (she knew) and that the woman he went with wasn’t very nice – a lizard in his words! So there was no need for me to know anything.
The first time I found out he had lied was when he went to Afghan on tour – a long story involving two other women and a dedication I had made on BFBS over Xmas that they heard, recognised the name and then contacted me via the radio station. One of them lived in North Wales and was a counsellor and the other lived near Netheravon and was a corset maker/model and seamstress. She went to town on me and got a solicitor involved for fear I would post defamatory comments about her (which I never did) when the whole time my heart was just breaking in two. It was a very sad time. He had to visit one of them on his RnR to give back the key he had to her house! And there were others. We were all sending him shoe boxes too. Sometimes I couldn’t really afford to put them together but I did because I cared. Little did I know that in most cases he was getting duplicate items. I spotted a South Park duvet in one pic and he told me he had bought it in the NAAFI shop! I was clueless. The corset woman told me she had bought it. Embarrassingly I can now admit that I knew of at least 10 women that he had slept with during our relationship.I had to go to the GUM clinic to check my health after each affair.
He abused me, others and also the position he is in. All anyone usually can see is the nice guy. On one occasion, during his resettlement, the army thought he was away on a course. Instead, he did it online from home very quickly and used the remaining time to visit, sleep with and film his experience with another woman in Bristol – I know because she asked me for the videos back on a phone call one day, with my phone tucked under my chin making packed lunches for the children! I had to reassure her he would delete them. Not a conversation that you want to have with your partner ever. You just couldn’t make this stuff up! She was a friend of a friend who he had added on Facebook and she got my number that way. I am not the only one he has done this too. His ex-wife suffered the same abuse. I’ve read the court papers from his divorce. He tried to throw her off a balcony and also locked her in the boot of a car and more. She reached out to me during the separation and as such we have become good friends. He lied about the grounds for divorce too. She is now a counsellor to help women abused in narcissistic relationships. She was compelled to help others after what she had been through.
This isn’t about a relationship breakdown though, sometimes things aren’t meant to be, I know this – this is about a person. A damaged individual – a dangerous one. He will always deny any wrongdoing. He has never admitted his faults. He says nothing. He runs away. Actions of a coward. He has abused women, and his position and lied to family and friends. He will no doubt read this one day and claim I am a ‘psycho’.
Every fibre of my body screams “It’s not fair” when I see him getting applause for parading as an exemplary character and a hero when I know what he has done and what he can do. I also know life is unfair sometimes. This is more than that though. I love the Airborne Forces characters. I was Secretary for the Royal British Legion for my town. I am friends with many Veterans and I skydive and work alongside the guys from the RAF at my parachute school. I enjoy the characters and the banter. I’m on the right side of being an armed forces supporter. I was a Brown Owl for the Brownies and volunteered on the PTA and I think I just tried to keep busy so I didn’t spend my time worrying, but I did. At one stage I weighed only 9st!
There are lots of help forums to understand Narcissistic behaviour and I learned that I was an empathist that curled like a ying yang symbol around his narcissism. He changed me and I allowed that to happen and I came off worse. I heal more and more every year that passes, I don’t look at his life, I try to stop people telling me about what he is up to and we never cross paths. We did ONCE and he was in a pub behind his new partner sat in the dark and in a ridiculous girly moment my half a glass of white wine left my glass and went over her!!! It was the most outrageous thing I had done to a person! I shook for a week with regret for that action. And I cry sometimes for the years that were stolen and wrapped in lies. I can’t get this time back. I now know you cannot love a person to fix them. And no amount of holidays, gifts and nice things can cancel out betrayal and abuse. I have learned so much from the time I was with him and my soul is restored and I am doing okay now. I have not written this with anger nor emotion, just stated facts.
And please don’t judge me for the fool that I was at the time. I didn’t listen even when I was told what he was doing, because I didn’t want to know, because I couldn’t deal with it. I have cried a river of tears and my time with my children growing up was obviously affected.
My BLOG A month to raise awareness has more on this sad topic
If you feel affected by what I have written and want to talk to me, please connect via my Contact page. You know, just writing this has been therapy. I encourage it!
Useful links: The freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 Refuge https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en
AnnieLewisMe 