A month to raise awareness

Next month is October and domestic violence awareness month.

I often think the question ‘what if?’ How different would my life have been in the last 10 years at least if I had only known.. We cannot go back, and we cannot change what has been and gone and I berate myself over and over for not noticing ‘warning signs’. I didn’t need to have got involved with the wrong person for sure. Even though I wasn’t the only one. I still feel terrible guilt for the ending of his last relationship in which I now know I was in the group labelled ‘f*** buddies’ by his former girlfriend and policewoman. We are connected on social media and she is married now with children but for her it must have been a hurtful time, finding out and dealing with betrayal and lies. If I had known he was in a relationship I would never have got involved and if someone had told me what I was getting into (people knew) then I wouldn’t be writing this today.

On my website, in my Recovering and Health section, I share a lot about events that were painful. They weren’t all bad though and the times when we laughed together, planned for a future, even talked about marriage kind of made me feel like I was winning with forgiving things that had happened to me, or events that I had found out about by either looking or by chance. I felt pulled emotionally because I don’t like to give up and I hung in for too long which made it harder to leave and say NO. I became a victim of my own behaviour, not just the behaviour dealt to me.

Abuse isn’t always physical, it can also be coercive control and ‘gaslighting’, emotional abuse and many other forms. For me it was the continual stress of being cheated on and having constant doubts as well as the times he physically harmed me. Being blamed for ‘looking’ when I had found out as if it was my fault somehow. But I didn’t always have to go ‘detective’. He bought me beautiful underwear once, sent in the post in a box wrapped in tissue paper – I felt like a princess! But the bra cup size was too big so I called the company, explained he was a soldier overseas in Afghan and would they send the right size for exchange whilst he was ‘in action’. That’s when I found out about the Colchester affair. Another one, my heart sank when she read out the name and address for delivery. Obviously I thought there had been some mistake but she had TWO orders one for me and one for the other woman…..she was very sorry and apologetic but I just put the phone down, did a little checking on FB, found her, made contact and had it confirmed. I even went to the camp once and walked around for the day with a pass picture on my camp ID that wasn’t even me, it just looked like me but it was another woman that he’d checked into the camp another time….really it’s so sad….

What I try to do now is look at the good times and be glad for the things we did together, know I was the better person for putting up with terrible treatment and that most of all I did try. I tried hard to fix a broken person who was never ever going to change but was changing me.

I wish I’d been stronger to say no. To leave. Sometimes it was the enormity of what I had to do logistically or that I believed he wouldn’t do it again as he’d promised. I was tired, depressed and so worn down that I just kept going, smiling, pretending to everyone that we were ok when all along it wasn’t ok.

That day I found out about the woman he is with now along with his chats with another woman concurrently, I just had enough and looked at myself in the mirror and saw a broken woman, a version of me with no smile, too many tears and no hope. I found courage and made change happen and look at me now!! I didn’t know how many friends I had to help me to where I am today. People were kind, understanding and there is a lot of help out there, you just have to take that first brave, brave step and say ‘No more’, believe yourself and life is and will be better and happier and calmer on the other side. Nothing you can do can change a person like this. It’s not your fault. You didn’t make him do this.

Follow this link if you need help https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Happier times….

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Bad times

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